Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Diamonds are for Lizzie

Having really enjoyed Live Blogging with Guests for The Voice, I sat on Facebook for four hours and let anyone say anything about the Diamond Jubilee Concert. It was fun. Below are the best bits in my humble opinion.

C + M: the queen is known to recycle outfits rarely (due to global financial crisis), but always has the same hand bag - i think she may have a gun inside? - She's So Mall ... it's Pandemonium in Pall Mall as Her Majesty drops two of the attackers before the Horse Guards even get their spurs into the flanks of their Chargers ...

C: ROBBIE! The crowd will always go crazy for Robbie. He is kinda going Eminem right now. I can only think of a night in Kingston at McCluskys and the boys going crazy when a Robbie song came on, leaving the girls and and dancing with their arms around each other. Robbie! Prince Edward loved Robbie. Rob Brydon you legend, the man that I quote almost as much as Shakespeare. Rob doing Tom Jones! Shout out to the mighty Welsh! Haaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrry! Can you imagine how hard it must be to try and work out what jokes you CAN make at such an occasion? Lee Mack just checked Prince Harry's reaction to his Prince Harry joke, AND HE MADE A MAD KING GEORGE JOKE. Lee Mack, you have balls.

C + S: Young Royals texting during Sir Cliff. Tsk. One should not do that, he's a Sir - Sir Cliff's little pelvic thrust at the end, he should not do that, he's a Sir - I think it is a Pelvic Gesture of Respect to the Fecundity of the Royal Personage and her Personification of the Land. Because he is a Sir.

C + F: Speaking of fecundity, that delightful singer on now is making me think of things that need to be unbuckled ... Like suits of armour. Western buckles. Army uniforms. OH MY GOD! Who is HE????? - Swing those hips opera man! - WHO IS HEEEEEEEE??????? He is my new imaginary boyfriend. Harry looks jealous. Jimmy! Jimmy Carr!

F + C: Oh I've been waiting for this one... Hula hooping space woman from the planet oil - That Woman Clearly Needs To Be Our Galactic Ambassador - And she surely deserves an entry in the Guinness Book of World Records for singing and hula hooping - The Royal Family is stunned, all open mouthed. I reckon footage of this will make it onto the Windsor Famliy 2012 Christmas DVD, seeing as Grandma is missing it ... - Is she made of plastic? - She is Made of Awesome. And they oiled her up so the sweat didn't show - Gives new meaning to the song 'When I'm 64' ... Can Sir Paul hula hoop and sing simultaneously? - Sir Paul has someone to do that for him ...

C + F: MIRANDA. Christ I love Miranda. Harry joke. Another Harry joke. Please marry Harry Miranda, because I cannot make it happen at the moment. Because I have my eye on Ed. Redheads. C'mon, how cute are British Redheads? Sigh - Calm down ... your red head needs to pull his trousers up - Hahahahaha, you know that all the young men of his age need to pull up their trousers en masse.

C + F + D: Harry VERY jealous of other redhead. ANNIE LENNOX! - Wow, she is an angel - She is a One Woman Expression of a Generation - Even the cornrowed drummer has wings! - is this live blogging? I'm in I'm in ! i just woken up after passing out on the ground after see hula hoop lady - and apparently i cant type - Come join us, Annie is singing like an Angel, there are metaphors all over the place and I need another cup of tea. I'm Live Blogging on three TimTams so far ... - I love how the acoustics of this concert separates the real singers from the show ponies - Annie is trashing the stage! Fuckin' aye!

D + F + C: ROLF! i'm a little bit in love with Rolf Harris. just sayin' - Awe Rolf, I love thee - By the way, another cup of Tetley's and a Tunnocks caramel wafer bar for me.

C + F + D: FUCKYEAHTOMJONES! - Hold on to your knickers ladies, there be a welsh boy approaching - TOM JONES! I had a very weird dream about him last night. He is god - Knickers? They evaporated once he started singing. That is one smooth oldie. Look at that coat. Slipping into our Ears and Eyes as Smoothly as the Devil in Velvet Trousers.

F + D + C: Lizzie has ear plugs! - ROBBIE WILLIAMS – Robbiiieeeeeeeee - Lizzie misses Phil :( - ROBBIE! - Oh how I love thee! He does swing so well - Robbie, making the girls swoon since forever - This is going to spark off a robbie obsession this week. oh dear. how i love him... how did i not marry him? - He is the Rat Pack in a Six Pack - Robbie's almost a silver fox - Oh my, Robbie as a full on Silver Fox is something to warm our declining years ...

F + C + D: Who is the red head woman? - I think Rolf said there was a choir of Military Wives? Did I hear right? - So are these women wives of military men, or do they have their own army? - Oh MAN! I hope they are an All Singing All Gary Barlow Owning Army! - A platoon of heeled, hairsprayed femme fatales ready to kill at the point of a hair dryer ... - The Divine Miss B. Ain't she a wonder? - driving overpriced luxury 4wds rather than tanks, completing covert operations on the school run - Or should I call her General Bassey, Leader of the Military Wives? - With her trusty Major Minogue? - Will they fight for us against evil queen grace of the hula hoops?

D + F + C: I'm quiting my job and becoming a hip hop dancer - Can you imagine a Club that plays ONLY Kylie and Robbie? I would be there every week. Now that the Hip-E is not our weekly hangout ...

F + C + E: Have you met Major Kylie's privates? - She is still SO CUTE. And those legs? I would sign up to be her Batman ... Hahahaha, her Privates look like cool dudes ... - I'm studying but I'm having a cup of tea and ginger shortbread made by Prince Charles' company "Duchy Originals" so I'm celebrating the Jubilee in spirit! - I want giant flowers projected onto my house - Prince Charles' biccies are the bomb.

F + C: Not the same without the buckle huh Claire? - That man! THAT MAN! How cute is he? No, but he has a red pocket square just for me. And a three piece Suit of Sex. And proper Virile Hair and Manly Beard. And a voice to melt all inhibitions. Quite cute - Quite a spectacular performance - And the cutest name ever - And his name is Alfie! - Alfie Boe. I know. Oh. I know. They do call me Claire Boe you know ...

C + F: Britain's other favourite Queen! - Sir Elton, need I say more - Do you think he has his own company that makes him his own special sparkle? Because that coat is the best. EVA - Aww, I do like the EWan version of this song. Mainly because it's EWan. Actually he doesn't have to sing the song, EWan alone is enough - Things are always better with EWan.

F + C: Hello Mr Cello player! Camera 1, more close ups of the cellist please? - I missed Cello man - It was a brief but beautiful cameo. Think smooth Italian - Oh, I will think on it. We are having a Tip Top night of Top Totty!

M: thisss going offfffffff. like frog in a sox

C + F: EL-Tons Coat is even better when he stands! Okay, the Club Claire Boe needs to play only EL-Ton, Kylie and Robbie! - Are you singing? I am! Naaaaaaaaaa - Look at the Royals Rocking Out! - And to get rid of everyone at the end of the night Club Claire can bring out Queen Hula Hoop of the Plastic Planet - Kate and Wills are having Royal Fun Times! - Jolly good, was that Fergie I saw behind them? - And THAT is why he is a Sir! Is Rolf a Sir? Can he be a Sir? - CBE AM, not sir - Rolf said Keep Calm and Carry On! Yay!

F + C: Seems a bit odd without U2 playing this song ... I guess it's not the occasion for patriotic Irishmen - They do know how to put together a Good Monarching Montage, Those Brits! Oh, nice point. The Irish part of me is looking away.

C + F: Ah Lenny - Lenny doing Sean. Sexy Overload.

F + C (DANCING): STEVIE WONDER, WE LOVE YOU! - DANCE WITH ME FRANCES! - OH CLAIRE MEMORIES! - WHY ARE WE SHOUTING? :) WE ARE NOT IN A CLUB DANCING TO STEVIE! :) – Hahahaha AWESOME! - MAGICAL! - OOOOOOO - Oh. Yeah. Superstition – YEEEEEEAHH - Please excuse me while I dance ... - Exit of the night: Will.I.Am's side shuffle off the stage! With a tambourine I might add! Meanwhile the other Will bobs his head from side to side - So thankful for a dance to my top song ever. 176 plays on my iTunes. If I could only choose one song for the world it would be Superstition. Lee Mack, you adorable genius.

C: How good are those lights on the Palace? The Flowers were just the beginning ... How did they practise the lights without giving it all away? Genius Gary. Oh. London. I didn't know I'd miss you half as much as I do. Is that Peter Kay? Amazing. The Royals are Fangurling over Peter Kay! Sir Paul is imminent. WINSTON? Destined for greatness from the moment his Mum gave him that name.

C + F: Imagine of all of the Beatles were still alive ... Just imagine the finale of this concert then? All my lovin - Bliss. Dancing again - I have to keep my singing down as I have a sleeping husband nearby ... Although Beatles Rock Band will get a working on the playstation tomorrow! - I have been swinging and funking around my floor in my cons (which have no grip so I am doing the best slides across the room) - I am rocking the PJs and ugg boots look - Let It Be - We only get better at this dancing thing as we get older dude. Can you imagine Club Claire Boe going off? Cups of tea all around and the last hour JUST The Beatles. The last hour being the 11pm to Midnight slot ...

F + C: ‎219 comments ... this is epic - Let it 221B! - Ohhhhhh it's getting firey - Good Lord, Guy Fawkes would be so proud ... - You know who would have been amazing at this concert? Queen. Not just for the irony. Seeing all these greats makes me sad thinking about the greats we have lost - You Speaketh the Truth Late in the Night Communing with Images from our Motherland. Great Truths - WOW. Good ending - Great coat! - Ah and a bit of humor for Sir Paul - Corgi Jokes from Sir Paul. This is a great night - O Bla Dee O Bla Da - Life Goes On! - Ah look at Robbie! - Look at Gary's styles! - Ol Charles ain't bad - Charles is Ok.

Claire: Let's leave it on the sweetness of the crowd roaring for Phil shall we? THANK YOU! It has been Large celebrating this with you Ma'am *bow*

France: The Queen looks rather stunning in gold. Hip hip hoooo-ray for jubilee blog. Thanking you Claire Boe.

Claire: God Save Our Queen!

Frances: Good night fair Claire of the Lawley from Frances of the Goorlie.

Claire: You are marvellous! :)

Monday, June 04, 2012

The Voice Live Blog - Team Joel and Team Keith

My Live Blogging of The Voice has changed in the last four weeks and become a different animal altogether. From the second week I had lurkers interjecting occasionally, in the third week the comments were shaping some of my answers and this week the Live Blogging went the way of Joel's hair and became a herd of cats from Perth and Glasgow. But I would like to preserve the fun times, so here is the transcript, only lightly edited. Ah, and language warnings for my own writing.

Claire wishes she could have tonight's Live Blog for Kevin, Alicia, Marlee and Iain read out by a Voice Over Artist to get the excitement really up there! I presume Keith and Joel will be performing - I am so looking forward to this!

Iain Im in a pub in Glasgow waiting with bated breath!
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Claire You are the best!

Marlee keith's turn to be orange!
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Claire Seal and Keith are in black, JOEL IS IN THREE ANIMAL PRINTS: in tiger striped hair, cheetah print t-shirt and leopard print jacket (both in shiny satin), and Delta in some kind of pale pink tailored affair, I will keep you updated as I see more. Keith is curled up in the chair with his feet on the seat (they showed the clip of him and his Calvin's again, Praise the Lord!)

Claire Oh Iain, well done! Rachel is in. Glenn takes her across to the winners side, lovely man. Delta tells them that she loves them, she is talking to all of them blah blah blah, sweet but she is rambling and she gives Glenn a rather strange backhand compliment. AND then she sends him through! Delta, you confuse me with your rambling. The two losing women hug, one in glittery red and one in glittery green and it is NOT Christmas for them. Rachel is VERY calm, a little overwhelmed I think.

Claire The Other Sebastian's face is freaking me out. KARISE IS IN with the Australian vote, well done Australia. Seal is getting all Mystical and Life Coach-y and he is likening Emma-Louise's overall talent to Nicole and Cate. He is going to save Australia from themselves and MAKE Australia love Fatai. Thank goodness for us Seal is here to save us, eh?
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Iain Yay for Rachel! I wish I could see Darren sing tonight, he's another favourite!
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Marlee emma louise! And now the fluro studs. Who and what the hell? TWEEN!
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Alicia I will be tuning in in an hour, my love for master chef is more than the voice
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Claire Prinnie is in the most extraordinary outfit every single colour and style piled onto her and her five backup singers. She still looks fab, and she is working within her dancing limits, which I really like. And her Voice is lovely and clean, no silly theatrics trying to be Beyonce. Keith is, um, stop putting your leg up you lovely creature, and he gives a hilarious compliment. Joel manages to get about a million quotes from a desk diary into his reaction and likens her to his own awesome self about five times. Even the Host has been given a standard script to use for each person. It sounds like the Host has been written a tighter (and therefore a much less natural) script to use. Iain, Delta's dress is a pale pink strapless drapy number that does nothing for her bust, and her hair is straight. She looks delightful, but you ain't missing much.

Claire ‎Marlee - yes, very tween, ridiculously age inappropriate, but I think she sold it because she has the figure for it, the song was at the right pitch for the loud clothes and it was actually choreographically appropriate - you could see she could move in it. I liked Emma-Louise too, but Seal must see something in Fatai ... See you SOON Alicia.
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Claire Diana Rouvas is up next singing I Can't Make You Love Me and I am just going to sit and soak up that voice. Seal is closing his eyes, Keith looks as if he is going to cry and the stylist finally got it FUCKING RIGHT with a dress that does everything that it should. She is barely moving and moving everyone with just her singing. That was a extraordinary performance. Delta would watch her sing a million songs. I would too. Keith picked the best song for her. Seal needs to talk and Seal is happy we (Australia) got to see her and I am with you finally Seal. I don't think anyone can really find a compliment to top the actually performance. Keith got a very precise and concise compliment out, well done Coach!

Marlee dayum! She was so good, and that dress was amaze.
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Claire Ick, Edward Cullen / Robert Pattinson is up next - and it is like they KNOW you are out of the country Iain and they are not playing the silly swisse ads.

Iain Noopo, I'll always miss Delta. Not the comments, just the body and face. ;-) That twilight guy needs a serious beating..
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Claire The dress was several kinds of amazing actually. I liked her hair also. I am going to go out on a limb and say SHE is going to go far. Did anyone see the Hamish and Andy Gap Year ad? Keep an eye on Hamish's shorts next time ... oh god, that boy is ... nnnnnnnoooooooooooo he is dressed as Marlon Brando in On The Waterfront. I am going to hit someone ...

Marlee no! he is sweet! and i like the song...
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Marlee that was better, kind of....
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Claire ‎Marlee - I am going to pretend you are under the influence of your Screaming Girl gene which is closer to the surface because of your extreme youth or something. He is doing okay. I don't want to hit him, just a Screaming Girl maybe. Seal adores him. God preserve all the Screaming Girls, he ended with a kind of non-threatening vocal orgasm. Keith likes the song choice and his unique style. Oh dear, Seal thinks he is 'discovering' Lakyn. Joel was short and supportive. Please Australia, let him go back to skating.
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Marlee ugh! News report! Lets paint anyone who does graffit as perverts and weapon experts! Lolz. Yep, i agree - i am prearetly a screaming gurl fan
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Marlee swisse ldn ad....
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Claire AWESOME! You are such a Screaming Fangurl you put about five more letters into pretty! HOW DOPE IS THAT NEW SWISSE AD?
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Marlee secretly**
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Claire hahahahahaha, no way, I thought you were trying to type pretty much**

Marlee lol claire! Where did you pick dope up? U so street
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Claire I am so street. Beaufort Street. Syllables Packaged Up For Your Female Progenitor.
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Alicia Claire what happened to sebastian?

Claire I fucking love Straight Lines. Why is the Polite Blonde doing it? I hope she fucking turns it up. No, No, Keith, No. Maybe. No. Nooooooooooooooooo. It's like she did NOT take her Swisse today and took Valium instead. I refuse to report more on that. Alicia, The Other Sebastian is out.

Marlee Bad hair for this one.

Alicia I love Joel's hair tonight. Keith Urban has more highlights in his hair than Delta!

Claire Delta totally gave the RIGHT comment and said she didn't bring it, and Joel chastised the booing crowd by reminding them that the coaches are there to correct and admonish. I like it that Joel is awake and ready to perform, he is arcing up for his performance. Keith is being all warm and 'fabulous uncle'.

Iain Is that red haired chick singing tonight?
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Claire Keith's hair almost blended in with Britters hair. I think Keith went to his hairdresser and the hairdresser was all 'so, you are going to Oustraaaalia, you need to be all Oussie Surfer' and went overboard. Big Red is up tonight darls, how is Glasgow at the moment?

Iain Love big red. Glasgow is good so far. Cheap booze and the weathers been good as well. Off to St. Andrews on Wednesday..
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Marlee Also more tanned.....
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Claire Team Joel are singing Dancefloor Anthem with the Animal Printed Pop Prince! Hello Ben, nice to see your pretty face again and Lakyn is, well, it turns out I like Lakyn doing Pop-Rock in that laidback style because he looks as if he is making fun of the exuberance of the lyrics. Big Red looks like she should be in a Manga Cartoon. Seal is pumping the air (maybe Australia?) Prinnie has Pop Art on her dress. All the pairs are singing to each other with absolutely no chemistry. That was fun. Too much jumping up and down.

Claire ‎Marlee - I think Keith saw ALL his Beauty Practioners for a TOP UP. Doing a Shane Warne.

Marlee Fix up, look sharp

Claire I hope he is not a Tanorexic.

Marlee Wow inside goss, apparently this Adam fellow is getting it on with Emma louise!

Alicia If this is shy boy he has come out of his shell! I love the guitar work and he is singing brilliantly!
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Claire That sweet boy of Keith's is doing Romeo and Juliet by Dire Straits and that adorable voice of his is like Lakyn's will be when Lakyn gets better. He has scored with Emma-Louise? Well done both of them. That was okay, not as good as Lonely Boy. He is SO much more confident tonight - maybe the Emma-Louise factor? Also, can I point out the correlation that Seal thought Emma-Louise was like Nicole and she is getting it on with some from Team Keith. You make me happy, Marlee, with your gossip. Keith and Delta really dig Adam.
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Claire I am ridiculously fond of that Swisse Ad now - I want the song. Christ. Adam wants a girl who loves reading. Where did they find this boy and where do I get one that is OLDER???? BIG RED IS UP NOW Iain.
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Marlee Yeahhhhhhh Whitney !!!!!

Iain Go big red! Send her my details and I'll take care of her.... ;-)
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Claire Sarah is singing Whitney's How Will I Know in a fabulous gold top (this week's stylist is addicted to SHINY) How Will She Know You Really Love Her Iain? She is a great looking girl, and she is delivering what we want. Delta is up and dancing and that dress of hers makes her look even curvier than usual, she looks huggable. Sarah has SWAG at the end of her performance. Delta wanted to get into her pyjamas with her girlfriends and dance around her room and thought it was a Pop Moment. Joel is ready to let Sarah out of the cage (reowr) and the Tybalt of The Voice is looking so damn proud of his little Bratz Doll.
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Marlee O man, that was so

Marlee Good!!
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Marlee Swagswagswagswagswagswag

Claire WAGS. Iain, Darren is singing Stevie Wonder. This should be good.

Claire Darren. You are wonderful.
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Claire FUCKING HELL. DARREN!
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Alicia Omg that performance was like on so you think you dance where they had to dance for their life. Darren just sang for his life. He croons! He is amazing! I reckon he would have the ladies throwing underwear at him.
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Marlee Lol Keith Urban

Alicia Ps Keith's pants r tight!!!!
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Claire That was my favourite piece of TV so far from The Voice. Better than Seal Dancing, Better than Keith's Calvins. All the judges were dancing, all the crowd is still screaming and they are stamping on the ground. Keith feels everyone got Baptised and the atheists are confused. NICE CALL. Keith is on fire tonight. Darren for the FUCKING WIN! I think Keith's pants could be tighter.
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Iain I want to be in Sarah's pants with Delta. I hope Darren knocks it out of the park. He has a great voice...
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Claire Iain, you NEED to get onto the website and watch Darren sing STAT. The man is going places. He was unbelievable.

Alicia Darren wishes that there was something like the voice 20 years ago! I hope that he keeps on going through and that his age doesn't get in the way
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Claire It is his experience that is making him so good. First silly swisse ad with Delta and the Black Horse for the night. Boobs for Iain.

Alicia Ewwwww keiths pants being tighter
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Claire Hello Ben.

Iain Delta, I love you. Darren is awesome, I'll buy his album. I'll have a look on the website when I get a chance..
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Alicia This is going to be a good performance now as well, it is a good song choice for ben
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Claire Ben is singing I'm With You. Yup. I'm with him. Okay, so I like it, but I know Seal is not going to. He is still not sure to do with his body on stage. He is good with the camera. And the end is another Vocal Fangurl-gasm. And a Joel-gasm too from the look on Joel's face. And now Delta is having a Delta-gasm. Joel has told Ben that he went from boy to man. Seal called the song a girl's song. Seal. Seal.

Marlee Lol @ 'it's a girls song.'

Claire Not a Seal-gasm. I don't think Seal has a Seal-gasm with girls, only with himself. Seal-gasm.

Claire Team Keith with I'm In - apparently a world hit. Of course I have never heard a Keith Urban song in my life. Darren. Darren. Keith a little bit. But mainly Darren. And I like Brittany because her voice is actually good for this style of song. Maybe she will go Country? Country is totally big in America. Keith is such an adorable singer. Men with guitars. WE ARE IN WITH YOU TOO KEITHBABY!

Claire Thank you Team Live Blogging, Iain in a Glasgow Pub totally not getting into a fight until after Darren sang, Marlee and her Screaming Fangurl gene leavening my disgust, Alicia for prioritising her night but still joining us, and I hope you are happy to be back home Kevin. Seal has sexually assaulted the Host. Keith needs a lie down. I need to work out how the hell I am going to edit this to make it make sense on my blog. Next week guys, next week!